I Want You

I want you.

I want your mind, your body and spirit.

I want us to be inseparable and annoyingly cute.

I want all of your attention, all of your thoughts and all of your commitment.

I never knew you could exist, I wandered around this too big world never knowing there was a you waiting for me to fall so deeply;

My skinned knees and bruised head still dizzy from my fall, the heights from which I tumbled no longer an issue to me.

Because there’s you.

There you are.

As I look up from the ground, the sun beaming and glaring in my eyes, the heated gravel biting into my soft palms, I see all that is you.

And everything made complete sense.

How could I spend my whole life not knowing that I was looking for you?

Your eyes seemed to know me inside and out within seconds and it was then that I realized: I want you.

Your skin feels like the only silk I need to be immersed in.

I want you.

Your words dance around us in a holy circle of bright truth and enlightenment, how can you not hear my heart beating to the rhythm of ‘I want you’?

My senses soak you up, take you all in and every fiber of my being is screaming ‘I WANT YOU!’.

Can you hear it?

Can you feel the ground beneath us shaking with the very weight of my want?

Does a universe exist where we are already married, forever bonded, linked immeasurably in the eyes of the law and our God?

How do you not acknowledge the hungry fire burning in my eyes when you’re the oxygen it needs to live?

Do I have to live a painful existence of seeing you, feeling you and never truly having you?

How can I pursue a happy life when I look into those eyes and see the soul-mate who won’t say what I need to hear?

I want your powerful hands to roam me, I want to feel the callouses born from your hard work to meet the smooth satin of my skin.

I want your eyes to see the things I could never show anyone else, my scars, my failures and successes.

I want to hear the music of your mind, to be a note in the melody of your life.

I want to spend my days showing you how I feel in every imaginable way.

I want my nights to be filled with the physical exploration of your depths.

I

Want

You.

Dear Jim James,

I am madly in love with you. How’s that for an opener?? I’m enthralled with the light in your eyes when you’re describing music and especially when you describe how said music affects you. I’m obsessed with your oddities and the sounds born from your guitar. I can always tell when it’s you playing guitar, such a twangy, unique sound. 

I’m absolutely in love with the way you let your hair do whatever the hell it wants and you certainly follow suit. And that beard!!!! Don’t get me started on that beard, it’s so thick and perfect. Please excuse me while I swoon.

Your voice, Mr.Olliges, is truly mesmerizing. I could listen to your pronunciation of every word ever created and still, my ears would be starving for more. I can’t deal with how you’re not afraid to be so strange, I have so much respect for those who aren’t afraid to be weird. It makes no sense for such an amazing person to be so unreachable, so very far away from me. 

Your lyrics simultaneously make complete sense and no sense at all, they’re my favorite part of your songs. The way you transform every beautiful, meaningful song into a jam session during live shows is hypnotic. You treat every note like individual royalty. You have such an authentic folk sound but so many genres are sneaking around at every corner, waiting to knock me out with a crazy good vibe, it’s almost inhuman. 

I’m absolutely, madly, hopelessly in love with the way you love music. Could you possibly come find me and love me that way?? Kaythanks!!!!! 



Image courtesy of Billboard.com

‘F’ Is For Feminist

Not long ago, I realized that I’m a feminist. A very proud FEMINIST!!!!
When I was younger, I fell victim to the ignorance much like those around me, who assumed the word ‘feminism’ meant man-hating, bra-burning, non-shaving, haiiiiiirrry psycho. That may seem harsh but I honestly never heard or saw anything positive about feminism in social circles or in the media.
Luckily for me, I’ve since become more educated & enlightened about the meaning. I now proudly identify myself as a feminist. I shave regularly, I hate bras but wear them daily anyway, I love men (specifically bearded, burly ones but that’s neither here nor there) and I may be crazy but no more than anyone else.
Feminism, by definition is wanting equal treatment for men and women whether that be in regards to finance, basic human rights, etc. There’s no hate there, there’s no room for it honestly. Our world is so chaotic and filled with hate, it manifests in so many ways but always manages to come down to how we treat each other. To me, that’s where feminism comes in. I give respect and treat others the way I’d want to be treated and while I’m a terribly imperfect person who has bad days and makes major mistakes, I should never feel intimidated or anxious walking down the street simply because I’m a female. Nor should I have to worry about being paid less than a male just because I was born a different sex. I shouldn’t be told to ‘smile’ or that I have a ‘fat ass’. There is a way to speak to/treat a fellow human being and far too often, a number of people don’t realize that. Or maybe they don’t care, either way, it pisses me off! This initial anger is what led me to research feminism. The desire to be treated as more than a living decoration is what drove me to label myself. The foundation of growth is rooted in coming together and conquering ignorance. Without even knowing it, I’ve always wanted to be a feminist, I’ve always wanted equality for everyone and am bothered to my core when anything less than fairness is executed in my presence.

The beauty of feminism is that you can do whatever you want, just like everyone else. You’re not forced to hate anyone, grow armpit hair, chop down trees or change your own motoroil but you’re more than welcome to do exactly those things if you so desire. While feminism still has negative connotations, I’m hoping to educate those around me who want to learn including my boyfriend who is incredibly stubborn, intelligent & hilarious but sometimes prone to ignorance like the rest of us.
Here’s hoping the future holds more great things, that more LGBT marriages take place, more overall equality is achieved and more feminists pop up everywhere!!

Losing My Best Friend

I have this ‘best friend’, he likes to pretend that we are still best friends although I’m pretty sure he knows that isn’t true. I’m slowly coming to terms with it myself to be honest.
It’s my own fault, really. I allowed a toxic person to creep their way into my best friend’s life without thinking of the repercussions.
I can be such an idiot.

This boy had been with me through thick and thin, so many ups and downs that I took for granted our bond, without thinking I just assumed we’d always be so close. He protected me from so much harm, weathered so many storms by my side and always had my back. It never crossed my mind that our bond was breakable.
I would have never guessed that two years after meeting ‘Poison Polly’ our conversations would have awkward silences, that he would be a completely different person and I’d barely recognize the bloodshot eyes peering into my sober ones.
The same guy who took a spur of the moment 12 hour drive with me just to see GlassJaw, then drove another 12 hours with no sleep only to go directly to work is now the guy who can’t fit me in for a quick lunch or even a quick phone call. He’ll swear we’re as close as we used to be and though my significant other never diluted our best-friendship, his girlfriend has stopped the flow of our river.
Is this weak, pushover the same guy that threatened my crazy ex boyfriends?? The body looks the same but for the love of god, the mind sure isn’t. How can the strong, willful person I used to know be spoken down to so easily by this woman? How is the person who made me stronger now wilting under the glare of a female with no authority? His opinion swayed with no reasoning, his thoughts manipulated by someone so ridiculously mismatched in so many ways.

It’s insane to me how you can share so much with someone you think you know but life will still find a way to make those special moments worthless. Even today, as I send a text that I’m sure will go unanswered, I’m fiercely protective of my boy, I feel almost motherly in my guard of his character but does that matter at all? In the grand scheme of things, will the time I spend worrying about him or the love I feel for him be nothing but wasted energy?

At this point, I’m throwing the towel in, I can’t fight for my boy if he doesn’t want me to. I can’t replace the spine he used to have or the personality that made him my honorary brother. All I can do is remember the boy who brought me pizza when I was sick, played video games with me until I was delusional, took day trips and vacations with me and managed to be the only person I was never tired of.

I miss that guy with every ounce of my being.

Make It Count

In life, there are so many responsibilities. It’s so easy to get caught up in the day to day motions and completely forget what we’re born to do. There is more to life than paying bills, rushing from place to place to do things we don’t want to do. I look around and see too many people trapped in dead end jobs, miserable everyday because we are all slaves to finance.
I have to constantly remind myself that I only get one turn, I’m not allowed a do-over, I have to make my life about more than pleasing others and working for those who don’t have my best interests in mind.
There are sunsets for me to see, countries other than my own to visit, music to be discovered, art for my eyes to soak in, love to be felt and people to meet. The list goes on and on.
I’m promising myself, this minute, to make my life mean something, to get out of modern day slavery and make this singular run count.

You Know Me

‘You know me’ he says, big brown eyes locked on mine, looking for a hint of the old me.
Looking for the unconditional acceptance I used to be so good at handing out like an emotional soup kitchen for his hungry soul.
And though the eyes searching mine are familiar, the person possessing them isn’t.
Those eyes, they hold me captive, starting a slideshow in my head of all our memories;
Best friends, happy couple, unhappy couple, violent pair, addicted duo.
The years separated only seemed to bury the person who was my best and most honest friend, my lover and admirer.
Do I really know, still, the con man behind those eyes these days?
Do I really know what the body and mind camouflaged by those innocent brown eyes are capable of?

City and Colour Talk

Can we just take a minute to talk about City and Colour?? It is the solo project of former Alexisonfire singer, Dallas Green, who is absolutely amazing. If you’re looking for a triple threat, search no longer, friend!: Dallas plays guitar as if it’s the last instrument on Earth, writes his own heartfelt songs and sings like a tattooed angel!

Last month the bf & I were lucky enough to see Dallas in concert backed by an incredible band and it was nothing short of a religious experience. Every move he made was fluid and sincere, every note sung was pure beauty. The music industry should be very afraid indeed of people like Dallas. He sounds exactly the way he does on recordings and that alone is a miraculous feat these days.

I am still floored by what a great show City and Colour put on, from the mesmerizing light show to the moments Dallas picked up an acoustic guitar to serenade the crowd with beauties like “As Much As I Ever Could” and DG classic “The Girl”. When he instructed the crowd to sing along, they did, when he opened his mouth, every person hung on every single word. Charismatic and generous, Dallas captivated and wowed during his hour & a half long set.

I can’t begin to say how refreshing it is to come across such a genuine, actual artist. This was the best indie show I’ve seen since Margot & the Nuclear So and So’s. I swear I’ll never be the same.

Oh, Dallas.

 

Photo courtesy of Lastfm.com

 

 

 

 

Grieving My Lost Friend

I am terrified that I’ll forget how blue his eyes were, like a cloudless summer sky. How he had this great, infectious goofy-semi laugh when he believed he was being especially clever or ironic. How he would mutter a well-timed ‘Shoot’ after that laugh which would, without fail, crack me up.

I’m absolutely petrified I’ll forget how he would stand, tree-tall and awkward when he was going somewhere else in his mind, being drifted off & paddling through his own thoughts while in a crowd. I don’t ever want to forget how lanky he was, all long limbs and pitch black hair with a sarcastic tongue. He had such a way with people, girls were so drawn to him. He would make jokes about anyone and anything, insult your favorite band, your haircut, your anything & everything but you could never hate him. He was witty and hilarious. Surprising and pensive.

He was always the sweetest boy to me. I had a rough time as a teenager and spent most of those years in a toxic relationship feeling unhappy, insecure and painfully awkward. But this special boy always had a kind word, a big hug and a smile for me. He would make me laugh instead of cry, just make me feel less shitty overall. He would visit me at work randomly and always, without fail had a huge hug for me. He was never cruel to me in vulnerable moments as most teenage boys tend to be, he was completely and utterly himself and wore his huge heart on his sleeve. He had so little shame on so many occasions, I couldn’t help but admire how unapologetically genuine he was.

He had this style, this signature look that he didn’t even try to create, it just came together. He always looked so put together, colors matching and all even while sporting shoes that were falling apart. His very favorite shoes that he refused to give up on. The very same Slipknot slip-ons that my best friend and I owned. The three of us practically worshipped those shoes. I know I’ll never forget how he declared himself gay for Corey Taylor and how he loved Job For A Cowboy. How much he absolutely loved Taking Back Sunday (or Taking Back Awesome as he would say).

He had this great talent, he loved music so much and played the guitar like it was a part of him. He couldn’t quite sing but he could really play guitar. Music was so important to this crazy kid.

I’ll never forget us in high school, how he sat in my friend’s living room in Pineville. So very awkward with his skateboard underfoot, hunched in a fancy, decorative chair. So seemingly insecure but still somehow, outwardly self-assured. Making jokes and cracking smiles while managing to seem so out-of-place in this bright, adult living space. We were so young and unassuming.

I remember the very first time I met him. How one of his first statements to me was “I love Jesus” and how I laughed at the unexplained, volunteered information. How he stared at me as if I were the strange one. He had a way of doing that; making strange statements, doing odd things like standing in a bookstore corner for minutes at a time and then acting as if you were the weirdo.

It’s been over a year and I’m still saying goodbye. I think of him so often, how we grew apart, how my last memories of him were sporadic, late night phone calls and texts. Drunken words stumbling out of his mouth one night, melancholy and “I love you’s” pouring from him other nights; promises that he would take care of himself at my motherly, nagging urging. I think of his ridiculous jokes and our insiders catching me off guard, bringing out the best of me in the middle of the night.

I wonder if he knew how much he affected the lives of those around him, how incredibly fun and funny he was. I wonder what he would think of new albums by his favorite bands, if we would be incompatible friends as we grew older. I hope that wherever he may be, he’s happy and at peace. I hope he knows how needed he was and how missed he is, I hope that he isn’t a lost boy anymore.

I’m So Tangled

I love that we can tangle.

A tangle of limbs: arms, legs, fingers and thighs all put together in our bed.

A body- cloud, floating high above the world, oblivious to all, nothing else matters but us, right here,  right now.

A soft, all-encompassing cloud composed of our tangle.

I love that our lives are tangled.

Days, nights, weeks, years:

All tangled together. Friends shared, late dinners, fights, spontaneous drives through the cool, crisp night, our laughs carried by the wind up into space. So many memories make up our life-tangle.

A life full of sharing, a life full of you & me.

I love that our tastes tangle.

Concerts and bands, Xbox’s and Playstation’s, pasta and garlic bread.

Our personalities, our hobbies, our pastimes are more than happy to tangle.

I love that our clothes can tangle.

A closet full of old band tees, girly dresses, mismatched socks, shoes with novels to fill, jeans, shorts, cozy pajamas and our whole lives. All tangled together in a closet, waiting to tell our story to the world.

I love that our everything can tangle.

Our whispered words, held in by loyal, discreet walls.

All our secrets, our shouted insults, gentle ramblings, feather-light sweet nothings, the words that make up our love: all tangled in our home. Holding together our love, creating the foundation of who we are. Tangling together more & more with each rising sun.

I couldn’t be more in love, more tangled with anyone else.

*****************

Lately I’ve felt terribly unmotivated. I have no idea where it came from, I just found myself consumed by an unseen, powerful discouraging force. I greeted each day with nonchalance. Zombie mode-ing my way through warm days and cool nights, shrugging off everything.

And then one night, I lay awake way into the wee hours struck by the sudden need to get on with it. “It” being my writing. The one thing I’ve always felt a strong bond with. The one thing I want to do forever. This was the result of my insomnia, dedicated to an amazing person who puts up with all my crazy woman moments and loves me anyway. Finally the curse is broken!!!

5 Bands Who Really Know How To End A Song

I haven’t really felt the desire to write in this blog lately. I guess I was going through some things and just wanted to keep to myself lol. Either way, the pull is back, yanking me back to my sweet baby boy: this blog.

I feel the need to share with you my list of:

5 Bands Who Really Know How To End A Song!! Compliments of yours truly. So let’s get started.

5) The Misfits. They are so classic and necessary, just amazing really. Danzig is such an uncontrollable force, a hurricane of talent & rebelliousness. Every single time I listen to “Die, Die My Darling” I almost burst a blood vessel from laughter.  It’s such an apologetic account of wanting someone to die but really, they don’t feel that bad about it after all. It’s all very matter-of-fact. I absolutely love this song and the ending just gives it so much extra character. How did I ever live without this??

For more Danzig delights, listen to “Where Eagles Dare“.

 

4) I’m not sure if you know this about me but I have a slightly abnormal infatuation with Radiohead. They are so unique and experimental. No two albums ever sound alike and seriously, Thom Yorke is a friggin genius. (If you haven’t seen his dance moves, you haven’t lived!)  “Climbing Up The Walls” is such a haunting, creepy, melodic journey of desperation and stalker-like lyrics. This dark beauty builds up higher & higher until Yorke erupts like a volcano, letting loose a primal scream from deep within. It’s one of my favorite Radiohead songs, hands down.

For extra song ending pleasure, try listening to “National Anthem”.

 

3) The Dillinger Escape Plan operates under the radar much of the time but that has no reflection on how explosive their songs are. “Fix Your Face” has an ending fit for a mathcore king.  This song also features drummer Gil Sharone absolutely murdering those drums, it’s the most beautiful musical murder you’ll ever hear while vocalists are screaming about hunting someone who reaaaally pissed them off. The ending really sums of the entire song and ends with such a bang, fireworks all around from the band, especially Greg and guest vocalist Dimitri Minakakis. It’s like the fourth of July for your ears!

For more explosive material, listen to “Pig Latin“.

 

2)Cold War Kids are so original, so unlike other bands in their genre that it’s almost disgusting. “We Used To Vacation” tells a story of an average alcoholic Joe. This father/husband is living day-by-day, trying to move on from a tragedy which stemmed from his drinking.  Lead singer Nathan Willet sings the troubling lyrics as if it were his own life, his own problematic actions affecting his family. You feel every piano key struck, every note he hits throughout the song and the ending brings it all to a head. A mixture of straying guitar, unguided piano, unusual vocals and steady drums all combine to stimulate your senses the way a three course meal threatens to burst the stomach of a well fed man.  The ending of this song is like being aware you’re losing your sanity and giving in to the delicious darkness.

For more delectable insanity, listen to “Hang Me Up To Dry“.

 

1)Last but most definitely not least, we end with GlassJaw. This band has a way of making a chaotic, all over the place sound then bringing it together to make something beautiful and oddly harmonious. “Stuck Pig” is no different. It is absolutely the most obscure and heaviest of all the tracks on its album. Palumbo switches from an all original yell/scream combo to a calm, pity evoking tone and the band follows suit, true to GJ roots. This song ends with what sounds like a really interesting Italian party, very festive. It’s the most fun, original way I’ve ever heard a song end. Who else would throw these sounds together? Only GlassJaw.

 

For another meaningful, heavy sound from these boys, listen to “Hotel Of The White Locust”.

 

That’s all I got this time, guys. Feel free to leave me more enlightened in the comment section. Which songs do you know of that end with a bang?